hate speech pt. 1

If this were words on paper 

They would be red

A seething tone of disappointment


and disbelief. 

People carry the hatred within for so long 

They burn up 

And it spews forth 

When the trigger is pulled 

by something they cannot–no–



 It is a vice, a disease 

A heavy burden for them to carry 

when the answer is simple: 

Be kind. Be respectful. But no. 

It is always mangled by the mass opinions 

Of those who have no business 

Showering the rest of us with their spiteful tongue’s spit of evil. 

They mistake passive aggressive behavior 

As courage 

Long and lengthy paragraphs 

As intelligence 

And another’s silence as weakness.


Excerpts from my future novel, Piece 1. 

“I am not made of sugar and spice. If you wanted someone who bends over backwards at every request you make, you were mistaken about who you thought I was.

I am made of fragments that used to cause me pain and discomfort and an insane amount of self-loathing. I am comprised of tears wept late at night over a boy who forgot how to love me in order to love someone else. I am failure and a bruised ego, put in my place by Life’s way of telling me I am too confident and must know what it’s like to not succeed. I am a human heart, a vessel of emotions, and a warrior. God damn it, I am a warrior. 

So if you thought what you were getting was someone easy, someone made of niceties, that’s only a portion of who I am. And I’m finally OK with who I am, who I want to be, and the path I’m meant to follow. 

Can you say the same?” 

Merry, Merry. 

Merry Christmas! I’ve taken a brief hiatus with writing in order to soak up the good vibes of a much needed holiday break. It’s been lovely, visiting with friends and family but also taking time for myself as this time of year can get a little hectic hence the cute graphic above.  

But to all of you, I wish you the merriest of holidays, the brightest of all. As 2015 nearly comes to an end, I am hopeful for 2016 and embrace whatever lies ahead. Thanks to all of you for reading, for commenting, for being patient when I go AWOL, for growing The Happy Depressive alongside me. ❤️ There is no better gift in the world than the gift of friendship, even if you are hundreds or maybe thousands of miles away. 

Sending love and hugs for the final days of this year and looking forward to sharing another adventure with all of you. 🤗 

Your friend,


The Happy Depressive 

Review: Michelle Shea’s Heart Chakra Balancing Kit

I’ve found myself a new obsession, a healing art form known as reiki. In case you’re unfamiliar with reiki, an abridged definition is:

Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. 

So what is this mysterious “life force energy” living within all of us? How can it exist if it’s something we cannot visibly see or touch? And if we can supposedly sense this energy moving throughout our bodies, how can we control it as a way to heal from within? But more importantly, does what I’m writing about sound absolutely insane?

For some, their answer to the latter question would be a most definitive “yes” and I don’t blame you. While you lay still on the floor, your energy healer moves their hands over you from head to toe analyzing your chakra energies and both the male and female sides of your body. If this doesn’t sound New Age weird to you, I would be shocked. It’s something that hippies practice. We’re all witches and practice a dark art. We wear crystals around our necks as a form of protection and burn sage to cleanse our homes. Shoot, we let people balance our energies using two hands and a quiet space.

Are you still intrigued? Good. Let’s continue.

It was a Thursday evening after work one day when I walked into the yoga studio for my normal level 2 practice. Michelle was the instructor. She had short pink hair, intergalactic leggings, and mala beads dangled around her neck. At the beginning of class, she announced she’d be coming around during savasana (corpse pose) giving out some bonus reiki for those who wished to receive it. Obviously, I am open to trying new things so I let Michelle hover her palms over my head as I lay still on my mat and let my mind go blank. Long story short, I stuck around after class to chat with Michelle about reiki and she passed her business card to me in case I decided to ever try a full hour of reiki at her apartment.

One Sunday, I traveled to Michelle’s apartment–a space neatly arranged with brightly colored eclectic furniture while a curious cat claimed the couch as her personal space. After chatting for a bit, Michelle instructed me to stretch out on the mat placed in the center of your room and to treat the next 60 minutes like a meditation. While my body worked out fidgets and kinks, I slowly moved into a realm of deep calm as Michelle moved from the top of my head to the soles of my feet stopping at certain energy points for extended periods of time. She moved me over to my stomach to work on the backside of my body which symbolizes one’s past. The front of a person’s body represents the living present. Once my 60 minutes were up, I opened my eyes and listened to Michelle in total wonder how someone barely touching me could sense emotions and past experiences emulating from my body.

Several months later, I am a devoted client of Michelle’s, both in the yoga studio and as a reiki believer. A whole separate post could be written about my sessions with Michelle, but we can save that for a snowy day should the interest from readers arise.

Michelle approached me a couple of months ago about writing a review on one of her digital chakra balancing kits. Her hope was for me to listen to the audio meditation she wrote, flow through the 11-minute yoga sequence, and review the guide and FAQ documents that come with this kit.

“YES!” I shouted.

Within 24 hours, Michelle sent over the links for the Heart Chakra Balancing Kit, a specific chakra I am always working on.

Heart Chakra Meditation

The heart is a magnificent organ. Complex and intricately connected, the art of balancing the heart chakra is a tricky one. I replayed this meditation a number of times not because I was dissecting every word Michelle spoke, but because I was simply focusing on a different relationship each time I went back to listen

If you are looking for calm, seek no further. Michelle’s voice had me tearing up the first time I sat through the meditation. The affirmations on self love and knowing that we are loved is enough–just let me sit here and quietly release emotions in the form of tears, OK? It’s a soothing whisper, a gentle reminder coming from Michelle that you are beautiful and worthy. It is like a soft rain on a Sunday morning that slowly pulls the covers closer to you, enveloping you in a warm embrace. While only 11-minutes in length, there is wisdom to retain. A powerful tool in channeling self love is meditation, and Michelle’s rhythmic voice takes you to a place of understanding that you are enough.

When Michelle asked me how I felt about not having music in the background, I looked at her and asked, “There wasn’t any music?” And if you listen to the track more than once you notice that, hey, there is zero music playing and I’m OK with it. I’m no stranger to guided meditations. I often listen to them before bed or after work to unwind. Most of the audio clips contain music coupled with a voice and usually one overpowers the other making it difficult to focus. I was able to move into a comfortable position both physically and mentally as soon as I pressed “Play”.

Heart Chakra Yoga Sequence

A huge perk of this kit is Michelle’s inclusion of an actual yoga sequence. The other great part? It doesn’t expire! That’s right. Once you download it, it’s yours to come back to whenever you feel like it and let me just say our heart chakra needs as much openness as it can get.

I once feared intense back bends and any pose where I found my heart positioned above my head. It’s not natural. That’s not how my body works. I am going to snap in half!

But as you’re guided by Michelle’s voice through this sequence, you can’t help but feel peaceful in each posture. Even peak poses, like Camel (Ustrasana) Pose, feel comfortable. It is with the breath and Michelle’s rhythmic sequence one moves freely and without paying attention to the little voice residing in all of us saying we can only go so far putting limitations on our bodies and minds.

The best part of practicing this sequence? I am able to go as fast or as slow as I need. Though the sequence is timed, one does not feel rushed or in competition with the yogi next to us to finish first which sometimes arises in a communal studio. I was able to hone in on the parts of my body that needed extra love. I could breathe as exaggerated as I needed. I opened myself up perhaps to what is one of the most vulnerable chakras and let the benefits of heart-expanding poses sink deep into my soul.


Michelle packs her chakra kits with a handy dandy fact sheet about the chakra you’re working on, what foods to eat/what out for, poses to balance the specific chakra, and more! I really loved her section on how to determine whether your heart chakra is balanced or not. I write a lot about self-love so this kit spoke to me, especially after my last few reiki sessions where Michelle discovered I was a little out of sync in this department.

I have been listening to her meditation a couple of times a week, falling into a trance-like state of mind on the train to work or right before bedtime. It’s amazing to feel this glow of self-worth and value which ultimately branches out and affects other relationships in your life in a most positive way.

So, are you curious to find out what chakra(s) need a little attention in your life? Want to know what empowers your energy centers and what you should avoid? Are you looking to deepen your yoga practice using reiki as a means of discovering what poses help X chakra? Then what are you waiting for?! Check out Michelle’s entire website here and know that if you open your heart to new experiences, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised by the results. (See what I did there?)

Light and love, my friends!

The Hesitant Heart. 

Before I sign off for the evening, I want to leave this here. Before you close your eyes and start to think of someone who didn’t choose you but you still clung to the hope they’d come back, I want you to know I’ve been there and you are better than that. You are worthy of being #1 and finding someone who willingly chooses you every-damn-day. No hesitation. 

I did this a couple of times where breaks were taken and I can honestly say they rarely work out the way you want them to. You may have an idea inside your mind that this someone will show up at 2AM on your doorstep and profess their love for you. Leave that to the movies. When someone actively wants to be in your life, there is no “maybe”. It’s a strong “yes” spoken with conviction.  

So tonight, let things crumble. Let it all come tumbling down and start building something new. You’re better, tougher, wiser than your past self. You deserve a “hell yes”. 



Hi all! 

I haven’t been posting a lot of my work on here as of late. Most of it is going on Instagram. You can follow me at @dizzylotus but I will also be taking time this weekend to write a new post and upload some of my latest pieces. 

Peace and pizza!!!! 

Yoga Teacher Training: Nerves Settle, “WHAT DID I JUST COMMIT TO” takes over.

As many of you know, Night 1 of Power Yoga Teacher Training (TT for short) happened just this past Tuesday. More or less a “get to know the program and fellow yogis” class, I came in with complete excitement mixed with some anxiety and left with one question running through my mind:


It’s true. That’s what I thought as I drove home. A wave of shock overwhelmed me. The manual is huge. There are lectures. Wait, I’m also helping pregnant women practice yoga and assisting with modifications? And there’s a written test?! What do you MEAN a test?! OH MY GOD, WHY ARE MY PALMS SO SWEATY AND IS THERE A BATHROOM FOR ME TO THROW UP IN?

OK, that’s a bit melodramatic (I have a flare for that…), but holy God in the highest, TT is not meant for those who think they are going to coast through the 8 weeks without putting in much effort. In fact, you sign your name in blood with Mala beads just so you know how serious things are about to get (totally kidding). But with all joking set aside, I laid in bed wide awake for a while after night one. Every single thought came up: What if I fail? What if people don’t come to my class? What if I get injured? How am I going to balance all of this without getting super stressed out and anxious?

Deep breath, Brianna. Fill your lungs up to capacity, hold at the top of your breath, release through your mouth…repeat a few more times until your heart stops racing like a rabbit’s.

In those moments lying still in my bed, I seriously thought of dropping out. Me. The yogi with dreams of one day having her own studio and teaching cancer patients and people with depression and making a career out of a passion. I thought long and hard about this. I had a stomach ache about it. My brain started telling my heart, “This will never work the way you want it to.” And then, I stumbled upon this:




So let’s back track real quick. Over the last month or two, I have been overwhelmed by everything–work, parties, dinners, more work, basically trying to balance too many plates with both hands. A recent event with a certain person sent my anxiety into overdrive, causing me to rethink my dreams of becoming a yoga teacher while the only place I felt at peace was on my yoga mat. I become a different person as soon as I slip on some bright colored spandex pants and loose fitting top with some stereotypical yogi saying imprinted on the front. I become a little lighter, a little brighter, more comfortable in my skin because the yogi is part of the real me. Why would I ever give up something I am obnoxiously passionate about? More importantly, why was I letting my hyperactive brain start running circles around answers I had been so confident in prior to night one of TT?


Because anxiety and depression are powerful forces. They tell us we can’t when we actually are capable of anything. They tell us we’ll never succeed even though some of the most downtrodden depressives are actually some of the most successful people you will meet. They chase away our dreams, replacing them with night terrors and keep us awake at night by over-analyzing our every action, word, and idea.

I got out of my bed that same night and started re-reading the giant manual which suddenly ignited a spark within my core. As I flipped through each section’s breakdown of what TT would cover throughout the course of 8 weeks, I mentally cataloged the timeline of everything and fit it into my mental agenda. This was doable. This was manageable. I could do it. I will do it. And I will be better in the end for going through the panic because it makes me human and, ultimately, a better teacher.

I looked through the textbook we’d be using, touching the glossy pages as a sense of relief washed over me and a little voice spoke out among the barrage of negativity. It said, “Keep going. Have courage. Keep breathing and moving forward.”

I sat on the floor with legs crossed for a few minutes after closing the text and the manual. I touched my abdominal muscles and felt them rise and fall in sync with my inhalation and exhalation. I let my mind get the best of me but I wasn’t going to let it defeat me. And I certainly wasn’t going to let the opinions of others break down my goals.

This weekend is the first weekend I will gather with my fellow yogis and really immerse myself in the training. Once again, I am tired but excited. I am elated and exhausted. I am moved by the practice but my physical body is sore from the actual motions. And in the end, I am a yogi–always learning, always growing, always letting the breath of victory chase away the anxieties.


I had to re-read this several times because it struck so many chords.The art of conversation between humans is often lost in our own interpretation of what we think the other person is saying versus just being present and listening. Loved this. Please take a look at other works by Rajat. It is worth getting lost in the words.


What I meant to say

you heard,?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

even though, you could not understand

What you said, I listened and understood

unfortunately you didn’t mean to say,

that, which I heard and understood.

The things which, we said and meant

And those,

which you said but never meant

led us to this chaos-


I don’t say anything


you don’t mean anything.

The world said with a glimpse,

you misunderstood each other


the world doesn’t understand;

that we never understood each other.

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