“i’m mostly just tired,” she said.
“i see things & often find myself wandering in a daydream
just trying to make sense of what i feel.
i want to know what excitement is again
and i want to devote myself to something,
but the energy just isn’t there.
sometimes, i think about just knocking it cold turkey
and then i remember how crippled i became at the mere thought of getting out of bed
and what it was like when i couldn’t stop crying.
i think, with mental illness, it’s one extreme or the other–
that pills aren’t a remedy but a device hell-bent on taking all the feeling out of you,
even the good ones.
in exchange for quieting your lows,
you give away the part of you that screams
‘i love this so much.’
and i’m just tired of wading in lukewarm water,
hoping i’ll find a spark to reignite a fire inside me.”