Does anyone else feel bogged down by exhaustion? Anxiety? Relentless questioning of one’s decisions like, “What am I actually doing with myself?” I don’t know if it’s Mercury in retrograde that’s causing me to feel so unstable, but the ground beneath my feet feels like it’s about to give way at any second.
May was interesting. June is off to a weird start. Every time I come to my computer, I look at it with a furrowed brow and quickly walk away from the desk. I’m not sure what is happening but it’s like my legs got caught in mud and I’m sluggishly moving through it without making much headway.
Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel like they are moving at a snail’s pace, like the world is suddenly spinning backward and we’re all heading into the giant unknown? Yes? Maybe? OK. Perhaps I’ve been burning too much incense.
This is probably the most honest I have ever been. To myself. To my readers. But lately, the overwhelming feeling of amounting to nothing has weighed heavily on my shoulders. Every person’s path is different, but mine is entirely covered with overgrown vines and tall trees that nearly scrape the sky. What was once bathed in sunlight is now dark with doubt.
I should be married. No, you’re in no way ready for that.
You should want kids. Get real. You, yourself, are still a kid.
I should be working in my dream job. You have a hard enough time picking out your outfits in the morning.
I can’t get out of bed and everything hurts. It’s OK.
I just gave you a small peek into the conversations I have with myself sometimes. There are days when I’m pretty confident in the direction I’m headed. And then, I have a pit in my stomach while thinking about what my life should look like and how it is so far from that. Because as a depressive, you have good days, OK days, bearable days, and days where you’re pinned down by an unseen force of ten elephants. Then, there are the days when people don’t understand why it’s so difficult for you to put on your big girl pants and shrug off your worries. I wish it were that simple, I silently respond, to rid myself of this awful baggage I carry with me everywhere.
And I know others who struggle with the same looming pressure to “just be normal.” I know intelligent, highly self-aware individuals with extensive resumes and incredible accomplishments who also struggle with the big question–“What am I doing with myself?” This question is coming up quite frequently and I’m not exactly sure how to answer it anymore. I don’t know if I was ever able to confidently respond to that inquiry. At 27, I still feel like I’m figuring it out. Social media depresses me when I see everyone else apparently with their sh*t together. I’m happy for them, really. I can’t describe the proper emotion for it, but it is neither jealousy nor self-loathing. I guess the only comparable way to explain it would be something along the lines of going at your own pace with a smile on your face and then you suddenly stop like you’ve forgotten what you were doing and why you were doing it.
There’s this idea in my head that I’m supposed to have it figured out by 30 and I don’t even know what I’m figuring out in the first place. Type A personalities have a hard time understanding this. I have a hard time explaining it. Basically, it makes me feel that much more isolated in a time where I should be caught up with everybody else.
Or should I?
So I cope with those days of fearing the unknown and carrying the guilt of not being successful, according to the standards of the human race. By nature, I am someone who does everything in their own time but it makes me feel excluded from the rest of the pack. I don’t have a trust fund or rich parents to fall back on. I never worked jobs where I was well connected in the industry. I was never given a set course to follow and maybe that is also the blessing in disguise. Maybe I need to stop the comparisons and setting these expectations I don’t necessarily want to reach in the long run.
But as quickly as this mood comes on, it retreats. The shoreline comes to view and I am dragging myself upright to catch a glimpse of glittering sun and a thin line of hope on the horizon. Maybe I won’t feel like this forever. Perhaps this feeling of self doubt will pass like all the moments before. Just maybe…I’ll survive and come out on top.
I won’t tell you to make to-do lists or set a five year plan. The truth is that simply brushing your teeth can prove to be difficult on days when the world is metaphorically ending in your neck of the woods. But it is not permanent and you are stronger than you think and, above all else, you are spectacular.
So I took another look at this dusty path before me and sighed a deep sigh knowing I can’t quit here. Not like this. Not without a fight. We have things to prove to ourselves. We have discoveries to make and excellent adventures to embark on (whether it’s clear to us now or later in life)…