I never liked Mondays. I always felt Monday should be a continuation of the weekend especially if that particular Monday is dreary and basically suggests you just hibernate in bed all day.
On days like today, I have to mentally force myself to do things like wake up to my alarm or wear clothing that isn’t oversized. I failed at both today. Oops. But I needed the extra time comfortably laying in bed and the familiarity of a sweater that swallows my human body whenever I put it on. I needed my iPod to play a particular set of songs to feel a sense of normalcy. I came to work only after buying my usual cup of coffee, retracing the same steps I often take to get to work from the coffee place. I guess this is my OCD kicking in after constantly being away from home and traveling for work.
Perhaps it’s just the way my brain works on days like today, but I will do things that make me feel grounded and centered even though I have other things that must get done before 5PM. I will make a to-do list of things unrelated to work. I will grow anxious at the thought of interacting with other people. I will keep my door shut because I simply do not have the energy to carry on a conversation for longer than 3 minutes. You’re not boring–I’m just uninterested in everything on this gloomy Monday because I’m fixated on the idea of just getting home and settling in my room with incense burning and a good book for my mind to get lost in.
I’m not lazy either. In fact, I have a really great work ethic. But I have this switch inside that turns off automatically when I’m constantly on the go. My body gives out. My brain shuts down. I am not the most emotionally stable on days like today. I’d prefer it if you left me alone to my own little world and I’ll eventually come out of it feeling rested and rejuvenated. Depressives aren’t weird, angst-y teens. We just need our space from time to time in order to reset back to 0.
So when you notice a strange quiet from me, I’m not plotting anything in this head of mine. I’m simply processing and recharging. Tomorrow’s forecast looks a bit brighter. Come back and see me then.